Avicus Archive

US 2016 Election Satire by _Gill October 6, 2015 at 1:10 AM UTC

Before I make this post, I want to explain that this is satire. I currently lean to the Conservative side of the political spectrum because basic Economics proves that less Government is better (Social issues aren’t too big of a deal when we are in 18.2 Trillion in Debt). But honestly, what your about to read is all satire, meant to be funny. (And yes, some stuff is exaggerated in this post. But some, surprisingly, isn’t)


        I feel bad for our next US generation. We have to vote for the people that will become the President and make up Congress. And honestly, it doesn’t matter which way you lean: they are all idiots.


        First off, we’ve got the left (Liberal Democrats) who currently have a criminal running for office… And she’s the frontrunner!!! Jeopardizing our national security in return for payment (“Wait, do you mean wipe the servers with a cloth?” [Hillary Clinton to Justice Department]). The only qualification she has is that her husband was president and that the went to a few countries representing the US… First off, the first qualification is like asking Tom Brady’s wife to be the starter for the Patriots football team. “Having a talented husband makes you a talented person.” (Every Democratic this year) Secondly, everywhere she went for the US blew up in her face (Benghazi, Russia, Syria, shall I go on?) But wait! There’s more: The second one coming up the rear is a socialist named Bernie! Half of the US has only heard about his name, and about a tenth actually knows about his policies (not me!), but he might just be better than Hillary.


        And next off, we have the (Conservative Republicans) who currently have a buffoon and an army of idiots running for the primaries. Donny might be better than Hillary, but if he is: not by much. The (HUGE) wall building fanatic will most likely bar all immigration and build quite a few Trump hotels and casinos while in office (don’t worry, he promises they wont go bankrupt like last time). With an ego the size of the White House itself, we will most likely have a billionaire whose net worth changes based upon his mood in the White House. The next runner up (I think, honestly can’t keep up with 18 other people) is most likely Ben Carson! The next black president to take on America. With this man’s 0 years experience in politics or business, this man somehow is in second! Way to go for Neurosurgeons across the planet, we all appreciate this man’s brave and bold decision to attempt to become something in which he has no credentials for!


        Did you think I was done? Guess again. Next up, we have all of Congress (besides two thirds of the Senate) running for reelection! Now we can reelect men to go waste all of our money for us! You dignity think the last 11 trillion dollars in the last 7 years was just Obama? Think again! This loft of dumb asses will most likely be reelected (mostly). If you can, please vote for your local Potato Man to become your next Congressman/woman. We might have a positive change then!


        Now, I know Im asking a lot from a Nation fool of idiots (roughly 51% in 2012 [people that voted Obama]), but please find someone to vote for (if you can). Lets get these dunces out of office and vote for a real person. Thats right, Im trying to rally support for the one, the only Kanye West to become our next Supreme Dictator. He promises to not only balance the budget, but he shall do good for our great nation under God. He says that, “I’m the closest that hip-hop is getting to God. In some situations I’m like a ghetto Pope. (Kanye)” If this man’s ambitions are to become the Pope one day, don’t you think he is qualified to run this nation? I do! So go influence someone today and change America.


God Bless “The Tupac of Clothing (Kanye)”

NolanDalton October 6, 2015 at 1:10 AM UTC

Won't be able to vote in 2016, you're right about everyone.

JOHN_CENAAAAAAAA October 6, 2015 at 1:10 AM UTC

You're claiming how Clinton, Carson and Trump have no qualifications because of their lack of political background, yet you are claiming that Kanye does because of promises that don't have any ground. 

In my opinion, Carson is extremely qualified. He's experienced the toughest parts of life and excelled, and I think that he can provide the leadership that this nation needs.

NovaLikesPvP October 6, 2015 at 1:10 AM UTC

I just know someone hate Beaners, And Beaners are life.

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 1:10 AM UTC

Darth Vader 4 Canadian prime minister. His party is leading!

OPTOBAT October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

Clinton and Trump both will suck.
Clinton will probably start a war (or two) and Trump won't do much either.
Obama was decent, when you compare him to the worst, but at the end of the day, the entire government is corrupt and lying.

....Lol bye :)

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

Clinton and Trump both will suck.
Clinton will probably start a war (or two) and Trump won't do much either.
Obama was decent, when you compare him to the worst, but at the end of the day, the entire government is corrupt and lying.

....Lol bye :)
What about real matters?
What is your opinion on Darth Vader becoming a front liner for his party?

NovaLikesPvP October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

What about real matters?
What is your opinion on Darth Vader becoming a front liner for his party?
Give him a cookie.

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

Give him a cookie.
God dammit Nova this is serious. Darth Vader needs our support to become a leader of this world. I know his party seems sketchy but this is what our world needs.

kycrafft October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

You're claiming how Clinton, Carson and Trump have no qualifications because of their lack of political background, yet you are claiming that Kanye does because of promises that don't have any ground. 

In my opinion, Carson is extremely qualified. He's experienced the toughest parts of life and excelled, and I think that he can provide the leadership that this nation needs.
For better or worse, Clinton is probably the most politically qualified.

Glitchaye October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

God dammit Nova this is serious. Darth Vader needs our support to become a leader of this world. I know his party seems sketchy but this is what our world needs.
#Vader4Minister

JOHN_CENAAAAAAAA October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

For better or worse, Clinton is probably the most politically qualified.
Are you kidding? Clinton is literally a murderer. She got an ambassador and the security there killed, and she refused to release the information.

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

Are you kidding? Clinton is literally a murderer. She got an ambassador and the security there killed, and she refused to release the information.
Let's all agree that Darth Vader is the best running person. He won't kill anyone in this world and bring peace as long as he is in charge

Emmaye October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

#Vader4Minister

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

As you can tell I am very galactic empire winged. I am very proud that others will make the right choice when electing our prime minister.

Emmaye October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

As you can tell I am very galactic empire winged. I am very proud that others will make the right choice when electing our prime minister.
I can see that the force is strong with this one.

kycrafft October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

Are you kidding? Clinton is literally a murderer. She got an ambassador and the security there killed, and she refused to release the information.
And how does that counter my point?

Edit: it still doesn't co....whatever

JOHN_CENAAAAAAAA October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

And how does that counter my point?

Edit: it still doesn't co....whatever
Just because her hubby was president doesn't mean that the bimbo should be one.

_Phyre October 6, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

"If I win this election, I will release my new album!" Kanye West
Gets 99% of the votes.

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 3:10 AM UTC

And how does that counter my point?

Edit: it still doesn't co....whatever
It counters that you should vote for ya boy, Darth Vader. Imagine. U.S.A Empire

Jahaj October 6, 2015 at 3:10 AM UTC

"If I win this election, I will release my new album!" Kanye West
Gets 99% of the votes.
Actually it would be:
Gets -99% of the votes.

kycrafft October 6, 2015 at 3:10 AM UTC

Actually it would be:
Gets -99% of the votes.
Roasted.

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 4:10 AM UTC

Actually it would be:
Gets -99% of the votes.
Have I ever told you about our lord and saviour Darth Vader

Jahaj October 6, 2015 at 4:10 AM UTC

Have I ever told you about our lord and saviour Darth Vader
Go on.

iiDarudePvP October 6, 2015 at 12:10 PM UTC

Donald is Corrupt

Adn Chris fucking Christie

Legoche October 6, 2015 at 2:10 PM UTC

Kanye For President

FrozenThorn October 6, 2015 at 3:10 PM UTC

Well, at least you don't have David Cameron who is trying to take away EVERYTHING our country has worked for, including the NHS - this is really frustrating.
 
All politicians seem to suck, they promise the world and it never happens. Gill, you should run for President! :)

IviFetita October 6, 2015 at 6:10 PM UTC

All I know is Donald Trump doesn't deserve to be a president... I care because if he's a president he will destroy the world... anyway he won't win, 30% of the US population is Latino
First time I heard Donald Trump I understood 'Donald Duck'.

Myv October 6, 2015 at 6:10 PM UTC

I live in Britain, so I do not participate or have any views on American politics, but I seriously want Kanye West for prez cos why not.

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 7:10 PM UTC

Go on.
Darth Vader is good with administrating big projects so a lot of jobs will be created.
Vader is very good at war so no country will want to attack us(he can actually attack Russia in the winter)
I think we have our next leader

Mehrp October 6, 2015 at 7:10 PM UTC

Darth Vader is good with administrating big projects so a lot of jobs will be created.
Vader is very good at war so no country will want to attack us(he can actually attack Russia in the winter)
I think we have our next leader
1 death star = Enough jobs for the whole world. I think he's onto something here.

IviFetita October 6, 2015 at 8:10 PM UTC

Reading all those comments let me know we've got a future, bro's. And it's called the Death Star revolution. It's up to you. Vote for Darth Vader 2016.

PieZ October 6, 2015 at 9:10 PM UTC

1 death star = Enough jobs for the whole world. I think he's onto something here.
We find the term "death star" a little offensive. Please call it the laser planet or job creations r us

_Gill October 6, 2015 at 11:10 PM UTC

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but recently I have learned that Darth Vader is actually Ukrainian. He is currently (or was, it was a while ago) running for the presidency on Ukraine's Internet Party. Unfortunately for us Americans, he most likely is not eligible to run for the US 2016 Presidency because of his lack of citizenship and Constitutional Rights.

For more information regarding these surprisingly true facts (no BS here...), please look at the few reliable articles below: 
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2014/10/27/the-real-loser-in-ukraines-election-dar...
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/31/ukraine-darth-vader-president-internet-party
http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-news-from-elsewhere-26882664

IviFetita October 6, 2015 at 11:10 PM UTC

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but recently I have learned that Darth Vader is actually Ukrainian. He is currently (or was, it was a while ago) running for the presidency on Ukraine's Internet Party. Unfortunately for us Americans, he most likely is not eligible to run for the US 2016 Presidency because of his lack of citizenship and Constitutional Rights.

For more information regarding these surprisingly true facts (no BS here...), please look at the few reliable articles below: 
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2014/10/27/the-real-loser-in-ukraines-election-dar...
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/31/ukraine-darth-vader-president-internet-party
http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-news-from-elsewhere-26882664
He could get a fake identification at the black market....

Sevoo October 6, 2015 at 11:10 PM UTC

Where is Canada? =c

PieZ October 7, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but recently I have learned that Darth Vader is actually Ukrainian. He is currently (or was, it was a while ago) running for the presidency on Ukraine's Internet Party. Unfortunately for us Americans, he most likely is not eligible to run for the US 2016 Presidency because of his lack of citizenship and Constitutional Rights.

For more information regarding these surprisingly true facts (no BS here...), please look at the few reliable articles below: 
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2014/10/27/the-real-loser-in-ukraines-election-dar...
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/31/ukraine-darth-vader-president-internet-party
http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-news-from-elsewhere-26882664
Actually in Canada. There is someone running in Midland Ontario. This Ukrainian impostor is a fake

SWEET_Johny October 7, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC

didnt even read lmao

shahmi October 7, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC

#Vote4Kanye2020

DonaldMyTrump October 7, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC

You know in order to assume an office in the executive branch you need to hand control of your buisiness while in office, Trump can't really coordinate with his interests (himself) to abuse his position. This is why we don't have Bill Gates running for president. Billionaires love their money, imo Trump is running as a publicity stunt.

ViceTechnicolour October 7, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC

You know in order to assume an office in the executive branch you need to hand control of your buisiness while in office, Trump can't really coordinate with his interests (himself) to abuse his position. This is why we don't have Bill Gates running for president. Billionaires love their money, imo Trump is running as a publicity stunt.
Trump has always made poor decisions, it's nothing new. If he wants a publicity stunt, he already has enough fuel to last a while, especially with the media all over him. I think he's just dumb enough to legitimately try.

kycrafft October 7, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

1 death star = Enough jobs for the whole world. I think he's onto something here.
The idea isn't a new one. 

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/secure-resources-and-funding-and-begin-construction-death-...

Itsameekizzii October 7, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

wait.. are you making satire of Donald Trump? I'm confused otherwise.

JOHN_CENAAAAAAAA October 7, 2015 at 5:10 AM UTC

Trump has always made poor decisions, it's nothing new. If he wants a publicity stunt, he already has enough fuel to last a while, especially with the media all over him. I think he's just dumb enough to legitimately try.
yeah, making billions of dollars is an extremely poor decision. shame on donald.

ViceTechnicolour October 7, 2015 at 9:10 AM UTC

yeah, making billions of dollars is an extremely poor decision. shame on donald.
Too bad he went bankrupt 4 times :'(

Joltz_ October 8, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC

JOHN_CENAAAAAAAA October 8, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC

Too bad he went bankrupt 4 times :'(
rich businessmen  declare bankruptcy as a moneymaking ploy, it does destroy their credit, but they're working for themselves

vladthegreat100 October 8, 2015 at 12:10 AM UTC

Meanwhile in Canada's elections...

PieZ October 8, 2015 at 1:10 AM UTC

Meanwhile in Canada's elections...
I don't get political and I am trying to put this but Steven Harper did the clearest trap I have ever seen and I thought no one would fall for it. Everyone fucking falls for it. Or at least most people.

vladthegreat100 October 8, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

I don't get political and I am trying to put this but Steven Harper did the clearest trap I have ever seen and I thought no one would fall for it. Everyone fucking falls for it. Or at least most people.
It's called Canadians.
Tell em what they wanna hear and how to get it and they will do that exact thing haha

PieZ October 8, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC

It's called Canadians.
Tell em what they wanna hear and how to get it and they will do that exact thing haha
Yeah, they fucked the farmers real good with that...