after talking with thetntdude with stuff, i just wanted to get into what issues i have..
to keep it short and sweet, i'm very afraid of people and come across harsh and rude because dominance of others is sometimes keeps people at bay from hurting me. when i decided to reapply, i didnt have those intentions to be dominant and think others as inferior to me. i wanted to just fit in and be someone liked and try to contribute, along the way making friends. that's why i believe i'm better as staff this time around, but still issues arise a lot and a bit too much. with me on tons of drugs, chemo, friends ruining my childhood, i realize the world is a twisted augmentation of bad. not one thing good comes out of anything and the only thing that brought me joy was becoming staff here. otherwise, i might not even be around.
with some supportive friends like thetntdude and evocal, i still have tons of wounds that are yet to heal that make me shield myself from others to be antisocial. avicus has shaped me up a bit because the staff are a family. it has a big role in my life from which i never want to escape which may happen eventually. the staff is super supportive and the worst thing i ever did was hurt them by leaking stuff from howsie and yoav and all the others. i love them.
rooting back from elementary, i've had issues with people for forever. teachers used to insist i have adhd and make fun of me, while i had to switch schools back and forth. in the process, i was constantly bullied by everyone and my life was a bore even at the age of 5 when i knew something wasn't right. when i went to elementary, i wanted a mask of authority so eventually i signed up to be apart of a safety patrol. after 4 years of bullying there coming home and crying everyday, it felt good to actually be doing something. i was even more disliked though as that and got into several physical fights.
that year, i got blackmailed and everything wrong happened. what happened during all these times was impossible to cope with however i did have one thing on my side; objects. objects don't hurt me and they're a little thing that i hug on and cry against as a shield, though sometimes dented. i try to show love for everything but what happens is just backstabbing and all kinds of terrible things. currently i rely on a pillow which i hug 24/7 and never let go of, i used to have a blue basketball at pe which was my friend. i didn't care about judgement or anything and upon writing this, i want to open up to the community. i hid it and it was my friend after emotional scarring from some other people. i'd cry when i left it and i'd cry when i'd see it. though kids used to bully through that utility by stealing it, and making fun of me for my cuddling, that didn't change anything and i tried to look past judgement.
now onto all the hospitalization and chemo and stuff, it's horrible but there's still a light at the end of the road. i'm getting stuck in puddles and i'm drowning. i can only do but so much by myself and life is becoming darker and the lights are burning out. i'm stuck at home all the time and i haven't gone anywhere in 6 years, nor have had the opportunity to make friends that don't hurt me.
from this, lots of friends i've gotten recently they take advantage of me and do the same exact stuff that everyone else used to do. it feels bad and i can't do anything about it plus it's not just the computer. i get a lot of false hope and all this breaks down into several broken shards labeled with negativity. when it comes back to me several (and i mean several) of my friends cut and physically injure themselves, it injures ME. and from what i can do behind the screen, i'm limited.
this box... this box that i'm in. it's shut closed and the only opportunity to get out is through you guys. you're the last string i grasp onto and you make me feel alright. avicus, sorry for the story which is probably going to be terrible, i just want to say thank you for your servings of occasional comfort and especially to the staff... there's 10x more worse than listed here but i dont feel like writing.
i still have no friends irl, but sometimes things are good while they last. thank you avicus for everything edit; also from what i'm getting one of my friends is killing themself which isn't that good.
This literally brought some tears to my eyes. Stay strong para, you'll make it through these hard times, as long as you have hope you'll make it through, so don't lose it.
People may take advantage of you. They may call you stupid, gay, ugly or try to make you feel like you shouldn't be here.
But you ARE here. You have a right to be here. You have found a place where countless people around the world are glad to hear your story and are there to comfort you when life is feeling bleak. We've all been there, and you are not alone.
Para, I know we have scuffled before, but I just want to say, I'm sorry. Nobody in the world should have to deal with the crap that's been happening to you. What I want to say for you is : stay strong. The family here on avicus will continue to support you. ;)
Tons of respect to you for writing this. I would never have had the courage to make a post like this. Hopefully your future holds many good experiences. Keep your chin up and keep pulling through :D
Para, don't ever forget that Avicus loves you. Remember that you're someone who some people look up to. Others may think otherwise, but don't let that get in your way.
"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving."
Para, you must survive. Remain strong and tenacious. You will defeat this disease. I believe in you.
A week ago, my mother had a heart attack. Clogging in the cardiac tissue and arteries. But she survived and she is still the kick ass Nigerian mother that I love so much.
You must remain strong and reserved. And if worst comes to worse, (god forbid) you have to take it with calm resignation and meet with the deity of religion. You are one of the best peeps here Para. Keep strong and don't lose yourself, bro.
I hug pillows too C: They're so comfy, and comforting when they're hot or cold. They stand up against your beatings. They calm you in your fits. They lull you to sleep with their soft, gentle touch and feel.
... I just ranted on about pillows didn't I... O.o
Do what everyone else said. Right now, your place is here. Enjoy it while you can. <3
You can make it through these hard times , if i had skype i would add u , but Someone hacked it! My Best - Freind Died of cancer i dont want the same thing to happen to you =) , Just Do what Taila Joy said ( Just Keep Swimming , Just Keep Swimming =) , I have Dyslexia and i have to read alot! -Pickle0207
Stay strong, dude. I know that probably sounds redundant, but that's all you can do. Just keep going. Find a driving force, and live for it. If that's Avicus, great. If not, that's great too. Do what you love and love what you do and you can push through anything that comes your way.
I respect you for writing this post. You are strong, no matter what anyone else says about you. I hate being bullied, but at the end of the day, just remember they are not as strong as you. Deep down inside, I'm thinking that they are jealous of your strongness. Stay strong. You'll overcome your problems, as long as you believe in yourself. :)
Para, we are here for you and we will always be here for you. I cannot think of any advise for you because you are deep in darkness however I can say that by people hitting or insulting you they are trying to make you sad to make them self look good so if you beat them by just ignoring them and pushing them away you will be winning, not just against them but as your future.
Para I feel like complete shit reading this I feel as if I fucking killed someeone I didn't mean to harm you I was just mad that you banned me D: but you could have told me this stuff before now I feel like a peace of shit thrown on the highway and ran over by an 18 wheeler
Aw, from someone who is good friends with Para, reading the nice messages here is.. Well, nice. :3
And of course, I will always try as best as I can to help. Can't exactly perform miracles, but I will certainly try to help make you happier, whenever we talk. x3
Para, my dear friend (someone I am proud to know, speak to any time and call my friend.), you are a soldier. You're part of a metaphorical army we call Avicus. Now it may be in use as a metaphor, but boy is it realistic. You keep fighting buddy, 'cus the day you fight, we fight with you. The days you rest, we fight for you. The days you fall, we pick you back up, and we keep on fighting. We're here every step of the way.
Para, my dear friend (someone I am proud to know, speak to any time and call my friend.), you are a soldier. You're part of a metaphorical army we call Avicus. Now it may be in use as a metaphor, but boy is it realistic. You keep fighting buddy, 'cus the day you fight, we fight with you. The days you rest, we fight for you. The days you fall, we pick you back up, and we keep on fighting. We're here every step of the way.
Much love, and hugs,
~Everyone o/
very motivational and kind. i appreciate everyone so much and my heart is just melting from all the support, thank you so much and this is the best community ive ever seen.
Why do kids have to be so damn useless at recognizing when something is bad. This is not 'i cri', 'aww para bb' shit. This is real. Sorry if i am picking on you rez but you were the first example i found. But para dude this is depressing, always keep in mind that no matter what cards life deal you, there is always good ones. Stay strong and hang tight because i know you can beat your illnesses, i know you can beat depression, i know you can beat societies non understanding, unsympathetic glare. Just push through it, in the end it will all be ok. Any time you need comforting, help or consolation please, talk to people before you do something that could make a worse impact on life. My skype is b.banno321 if you ever want anything don't hesitate to chat. Lots of respect and great wishes from bmb.
^ I hope you realize that we are all here for you and you are not alone, buddy. c:
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